So, I just woke up again, with not talking to Kevin. The last time I spoke to him beyond him saying "I'll call you later" and hanging up, was Thursday night. And it wasn't a conversation, because I was asleep, and hung up five minutes later.

I woke up this morning and cracked. Yes, I'm tired, yes I'm emotional. I try to be as patient and understanding. But when I wake up on the third day, and realize he hasn't tried to make any contact with me since last Thursday, I also wake up angry and hurt. And then in that hurt and anger, I send a text, asking why, and asking him to offer me a reason good enough for making me feel this way. Tell me that there is something so overwhelming going on in your life that you feel it is okay to not attempt to contact me for days. He could call, text, facebook... He could have said something if he were busy.

I'm so sick of hearing "I'll call you back" because he rarely ever does, but I believe him every time... He never calls back, but is it because I call him first?

I just feel, for the first time, that I am the only one trying here.

Then again, maybe I am the only one who needs this... but wouldn't he want to try and accommodate that if he knew that? Why has it built up enough that I wake up before 7 in the morning on a sunday, only to not be able to sleep in because I end up in tears, and on here, because of him. And even if I were the only one who needs it.. he still gets at least a call and a text a day, normally. I pay twenty dollars a month to be able to talk to him whenever I want or he needs me. And he says it's too annoying to text with his phone, or spend fifteen CENTS to text when he's gone over. This fact is staring me right in the face right now, and I wish it weren't.

The worst part is how minor this all is... oh my god, he didn't call me, oh my god... it's so pathetic, right? Someone please tell me I'm completely out of my mind, and that I'm not in the right here... This is the first time I'm legitimately disappointed and angry with him, and I don't like it.

It's memories, like when you traced your name across my back with your finger, that never fail to make me smile to myself.

To finish yesterday off... he called me a second time, so I waited a bit and called back... and he was in a good mood, thank god. So I vented, cried, he was perfectly supportive and awesome, and laughed at me as I was. I feel SO much better.

God, I love this man!!! Haha...

But today is his mom's birthday, so he warned me that he probably wouldn't be in as good of a mood... He and his siblings are going to the grave today, and he has TMT rehearsal. I'm supposed to call later, so I'll just leave it till then. I have to study anyways.

Bu seriously, he's awesome.

I'm trying to take a day off from him. I'm tired, tired from trying to be so positive all the time, and all the energy going into it isn't helping too much. Not that I can see. I hope it is. But today, I am tired of pretending and acting that I am fine, and that I can handle it all. I am tired of him calling, and me feeling like the only reason he is, is because I expect him to. I am debating telling him this, because I like having an open policy. I'm upset, and this is why. Though, I don't want him to worry about me. The poor guy is in mourning over is mother for fuck's sake, and here I am, feeling unappreciated and lonely. While I have let myself wallow for today, I need to keep that in perspective. As much as I feel unwanted an unappreciated, I need to remember that there are things going through his head that I can't even comprehend, and hope to not comprehend for a long time to come. I have to keep strong, for him, for now. I really don't think this is the time for me to lean on him.

Then again, maybe it would distract him from what he's dealing with. I don't know. I haven't talked to him yet today, though he called, and I'm still debating if I will or not. A part of me wants to do this to him, to see if he will be concerned...but I feel like that is sick and twisted, and immature.

This loneliness is a whole different kind from that of the rest of this relationship. This isn't loneliness because of distance.

I just wonder, where is the line between me being strong for him and ignoring my needs, and voicing my needs and hoping it's not too much for him.

More than anything, I just want to fall apart, and have his shoulder to land on when I do.

This is also stemming from the sense that my roommates are often more negative than not. Negative, judgmental. I went to see my friend's Naturopathic doctor yesterday, as a possibility for something that I want to do. When I came home, I wanted to share to Erin and Steven thoughts about my experience. Erin listened politely, and when I went to Steven, he told me not to say anything to him, because the whole thing is so stupid and he had nothing positive to say about it. what a fucker. then he also said something along the lines of "I have a friend who's friend that had a degree in theater studies got into that school. I don't really have to say much more than that."

That whole exchange was a lot more hurtful to me, the more that I think about it. What else do I need? Some positive reinforcement and people with open minds who won't judge without thinking twice.

A big part of me really wants away from them, for this reason. It's so unbelievably frustrating sometimes. I just don't understand how you can be so intolerant to just listening to a friend of yours, even if it's something you're not interested in. Good Lord.

And yet, Steven wanted to end our friendship, because he told me I was a negative person who said bad things to him.

In my current stage of anger: Steven is a fucking hypocrite. FUCK.

I think I might go cry in my bed now. Alone. With my teddy bear. Awesome.

I'm thinking about school agaiiinn. As always?

For a while now, I've just been considering trying to get into UoToronto for a masters in nutrition. But I really need to keep my options open, because really, I'm currently in no academic condition to even consider grad school. That and I'm still only in third year, haha... But I don't think I would be able to leave Toronto, or the surrounding area (since I'm not even IN TO, and won't be for another 2 years...)

I was just looking at Ryerson, which I did before, but I blew it off, because their program is Nutrition Communications, and I thought it was a lot more social based, which it is. Buuuut then I found courses on international nutrition, and I'm wondering if that would be an area that I would want to get into; combining my love for science and nutrition, and my interests in international development and health/nutrition.

I still don't know what I want to do, and just last weekend I was considering going straight into work after undergrad, and doing product development instead of grad school, and lord knows what after that. What I think would be interesting to see, would to explore involvement with NGOs or WHO for product development for the nutrition of developing countries. Now that I'm getting a taste of development with my current courses, and what my degree is actually about (go nutraceuticals!!! even though no one knows what they are!)I think this would be an interesting combination.

Then there's always my German minor. Oh my god, why are all of my interests so spread apart?!

I feel like there are so many possibilities... until I remember where my grades are at. Fuck, I just test really badly, and don't answer things the way they are meant to be answered. Which is why this product development course is so good for me. It's all I want to do, research, development, building my product... But I have two other projects (and midterms!) I really need to focus on too... Once again, I'm having to try and get myself to focus on my tasks at hand, not what isn't even upon me yet.

And despite all this confusion, once again, I have this feeling that I'm slowly and surely working my way to where I'm supposed to be, and who I'm supposed to be. And that I will actually accomplish many, many things in my life.

Whooo motivation! If only it translated to my studying of physiology. Because hormonal feedback systems will not teach themselves. But hey, at least we're doing the GI tract too, and I have more interest in that, because of it's necessity to nutrition. Interesting concept, that the GI tract is actually an exterior surface within our body. As my prof said, us monogastric animals (and really, most other mammals, birds, etc.) are basically doughnuts. With a hole right through the middle. Hahahaha...

I LOVE NUTRITION!!!

...I am also a huge nerd... yessuh.

Kevin's mom died this morning.

They found brain metastases on august 11. She died in a month and a half.

And I don't know what to do. I can't see him, I can't interfere. I don't know if I should ask him if he wants me at the funeral, I don't know how to help him. It's a time where there is nothing to say, just to be present, and that is the one thing I can't do. I honestly can not imagine what he is going through right now.

I can only hope and pray that he doesn't loose himself, that he knows and remembers that I am here for him, and at this point, would bus to Markham as soon as he says the word.

I just want to hug him, and hold him, and tell him that everything will work out. But he does this thing, where he says he needs his space and time, and I need to try and not contact him. I failed at that last week, but this week I am stronger and more stable. I have to be what he needs me to be right now, and I am absolutely determined to be that.

It's good that she went fast, she didn't suffer much.

I wanted to meet her, though. I have for a while, Kevin wanted me to as well. I wanted to prove to her that I am a good person, and that I love her son, and that I want to take care of him as good as anyone could. I wanted her to accept me. I wanted her to approve of me. I wanted to meet the woman who raised Kevin, who helped make him who he is today, even though he had a hard time.

That's never going to happen now.

I don't know what the family is going to do. Sell the house? Move? Split up? Where will Kevin go? Will he have to move out on his own?

My biggest fear, is that I might, in some terrible and twisted way, lose Kevin through this. I highly doubt that will happen, but people deal with their grief in different ways. I really hope he doesn't shut me out entirely. It's a balance, I think, between letting him have his space, and trying to prevent him from disappearing entirely. It hasn't happened yet, but... I don't know how this will play out.

time to take a hot bubble bath, and cry.

I don't like it when he doesn't talk. I know it's how he deals, but I need to know how he's doing, and it pains me to no end, hearing him so down. He won't tell me what happened, if anything has happened, and I don't want to pry, because I always try to give people their space.

I hope he knows that I will listen to him when he needs me. I want to help him, but this is probably the only thing I can do, is sit and wait for him to explain, or not explain.

I'm fearing the worst for her, which I don't want to do. I did it before, and it was pretty bad. It's difficult, because he and I deal with things differently - he'd prefer not knowing, and I want to know everything, have a melt down, and come out on top of things.

Oh dilemmas.

On another story, I think A has hit on me, and I'm worried (again) that he might actually like me. I mean, saying he wants to steal me away from Kevin? How does one take that? After he says I'm a wonderful girlfriend to Kevin... ummm... Please, please, pleaaassseee don't tell me that my new roomie has something for me, hahaha... But seriously. Please, no.

And uhm... Kevin's down on Tuesday, not soon enough, but I'll live. I miss him, and he is too far away... I really hope distance doesn't kill us this year, I'm kinda scared it will. I'm kinda scared at the fact that I'm scared. But I also know I'm thinking this, because I'm having a hard time, because he is having a hard time... if that makes sense. For some reason, I'm needing some confirmation of us, and I'm feeling needy, soooo I will just tell my brain, shut up, fool, nothing is going to happen, give him his goddamn space and deal with it. Mmmhmmm.

just a note for history. I'm pretty much, actually, legitimately, in love. Oh dayum.

Guess it just happened. I can clearly see 10 years down the road, and it scares the shit out of me. But I'm happy!

Which is such a contrast to everything else. But I think things on the S front are starting to look up. He seems to be treating me like a human again, which is relieving. I hope this continues, and we can move on, but I think for me to really do so, I need some form of confirmation from him that it is over. We'll have to see.

And man, I can't wait for summer to be over. I hate not being in school, which is nothing new!

/going to the TO jazz fest with Kevin next month, and ooooooooooooh I'm pretty excited :)

Current Mood: contemplative

I wonder why, for the second time, I'm in a distance relationship...

Yes, I know Markham isn't far and all that, but still, 4 weeks without seeing him is killing me... Not making this easier. I knew it would get harder. But today, all I want is just to see him. Talk to him, BE with him... gaaaahhhh!

It's like a sick test of my life - to have boyfriends that aren't near me. Looking at it optimistically though, things have been working out really well. I just can't help thinking that someday, I'll see him every day as opposed to talk to him on the phone (almost) every day. I'd forgotten what this feels like.

But this time, it's so much better. So much more mature, not any less real, but... better. It's less insane infatuation and blindness... much more realistic, mature, real. Christoph was blind. Kevin is aware. Perhaps, less stupid, actually.

Not helping this is seeing my aunt and uncle, 25 years married and still very much in love. Hearing of people getting engaged, married, to people the met when they were my age... These thoughts seem so irrational to be going through my head at this point - it really hasn't been long, not long enough to be considered anything substantial to anyone other than the two of us - but maybe it's just my internal clock? I think I'm bored with life right now, and looking for other things to change it. Which isn't necessarily a good thing. Nor am I anywhere near legitimately thinking of this.

I just miss him, so very much, and it hurts sometimes. Like tonight. Like now.

They do say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. But I've fallen apart over distance before. Not this time. Won't let it happen again.

This just made me cry... my brother wrote the 25 random facts note on FB:

"17) I’m really proud of my sister. I truly hope that she does well with her life, that she is happy and successful, and that she will have a guest house that I can live in for free. That would be awesome."

I'm still crying.

Despite everything (family, boys breaking up and making living conditions rather sketch, and being sick) I've been on freaking cloud number 9 for a while now. 2 weeks official, but really probably more than a month in reality.

I don't want to brag or rub it in, so all I do is grin. :D (WHOA RHYME!)

The distance is a bitch though, but I've done this before, and it's definitely doable.

I'm just so hnnnnnnnnnnnnn :) lately, and I'm really soaking it up!

And this is all through not being able to speak, and feeling like my uterus is being gouged out by a rusty spoon. So I'm thinking I've got something good here.

<3

Current Mood: happy

So, I'm tired. And got genuinely upset. And left upset, which was obvious.

It wasn't his fault, but then there was an apology text.

Then a call. Mad long distance much?

And I'm gloating because someone is finally as upset as I get, when finding out I'm upset. If that makes sense? It's just... so nice for a change :)

<3

Current Mood: giddy

What? Me? Bored during Christmas break?! Nonsense!

Something about me and my personality makes it difficult to sit back and wait for time to pass until the next step in my life comes... such as any time in between semesters! Just feels like "ok... now what?"

I've been putting some hours in a ghetto-mart, and have already gotten one $200 pay check, which was pretty freaking awesome! For some reason, even after the first 24h of work there, it didn't sink in that I was being paid... haha!

I'm spending too much time sitting idly at the computer again. Hoping, waiting, wishing, wasting...

Aaah, I think I might just take the dog out for a walk :)

Think, breathe, move, watch, listen... And freeze? -10*C isn't so bad, is it?

Oh, the border moves in Sunday, though Dad and I are working until 7, I think? Umm, moving out of this room that was always said to have been "mine" though I never felt like it was. Now that it's becoming someone else's why do I feel like I'm being put out of "my" room?

On another note, I slept really really well on mom's couch last night.

From that, I have a strange thought pattern. Seeing how I just wrote it out

World: I win :)

I thank youuuuu.

On a side note my necklace string broke this morning. Almost two years after I put it on. And, a month after I'm told to wish on it. Though the wish didn't necessarily come true, something damn close to it did happen.

Ahhh but yet so distant, it is.

Current Mood: excited

this is lack of sleep, working too hard, and exam times... but from a recent event, I've realized that the way I come across is probably too vague, and that straight people think I'm gay, and gay people think I'm a cool straight girl...

leaving me in this weird intermediate, in which I'm stuck.

and this is really pissing me off, in my exhausted, emotionally fragile state.

I need to be more obvious, but I like my sexual openness, and I shouldn't have to change so that people can understand me better.

fuck

if you could be in my life like you've been on my mind it'd be so easy...

:)

I hate how sometimes, when you're all alone, and you've met someone really nice and charming, and you think you like them. But then you're not sure, and you wonder if maybe you're making yourself think you like them because you're tired of being alone. But then you hear that they might be interested, maybe just maybe, but then you wonder if you're just twisting words to make it sound like what you want to hear. Maybe you do like them, but maybe you just want to be with someone.

But maybe there's potential. Maybe I could be happy. But distance isn't favourable in this case.

It's a complicated thing. Should it be?

I think I double guess myself too much. Maybe some time it would be good to not think twice, and just go along with the flow, and fall head over heels.

I doubt that will happen to me again though.

Current Mood: cynical

I know that I change my mind a lot, because I do. And chances are, in a month's time, I will already have another idea that will trump this one. But I think I've thought of something I want to do for a career. One that combines two of my three passions: science (nutrition/nutraceuticals) and humanitary work. The third passion would be German. Which is just going to be a hobby, haha. A hobby that I'm getting a degree in? Why not.

Two things came to mind: running nutrition for an IDP (or similar camp), and researching and developing food for rehabilitation of famine victims. Like, making a food that is high in calories, nutrients, and protein, but isn't too harsh on a system that has been broken down and starving for years. The second idea really catches me. The first may be a step to the second, but both are ones that I would love to explore later in life.

I've been talking to Yvonne a lot recently - she's the CSA's human rights office coordinator. She's a second year like me, but fantabulous and amazing. We really clicked the first time we met, and seem to have become almost instant friends! Which is always nice. But she's so inspiring. She's one of Canada's Top 20 under 20, which is huge, and she's unbelievably energetic and amazing. Ok, so maybe I have a bit of a girl crush on her. Just throwing that out there.

I helped her crush soil yesterday after school (part of her summer internship that she didn't finish...) and she gave me so many ideas. It was so good to talk to her. We're both facing similar challenges, with trying to incorporate our many interests. She also asked if I'd be interested to go on Walk for Darfur - walking from Edmonton to Calgary (300km in 8 days) I looked it up this morning, and I really really really want to do it. She's probably definitely going again this year, so we started thinking about getting a mini contingent from Guelph to go. Last year there were 25 participants.

She also gave me ideas for how to start exploring my ideas that I listed above. She thought they were amazing ideas, but wondered, for the research one, whether or not someone has already done it. I started looking it up last night, but so far haven't found any papers, research articles, books... nothing really with what my idea was about. Maybe this week I will go in to the research help desk at school, and see if they can pull anything up. Next step is to email my NANS faculty advisor, and start talking to her, and see what she thinks. Maybe there's someone on campus doing something along these lines? Maybe I can get my foot in the door to get something actually serious next summer for work?

I just feel like this is something that I can do. Something I want to do. I've never been one for settling down and being super domestic. For a while I've been thinking that that is the road I'm heading down. But I don't want it to be. I can do so much more for this world. Maybe I should call my dad, see if he has any ins or has heard of anything. If he doesn't think I'm being a total idiot. He says he still has trouble seeing his daughter as an activist.

I want to become good friends with Yvonne though. I think we're both super motivated, and super capable, and we can do things. Just wait until Genocide awareness month is over, and I post pictures of our walkway of peace. It will undoubtedly be amazing, and I'm so excited. And so happy that I get to work on stuff like this!!!

Now, one of my biggest challenges - translating all of this enthusiasm and energy into my studies, so that I can actually do these things. This will actually probably be the hardest part for me. But I want to make a difference. I can. :)

Current Mood: determined

Sooo after my last post, nothing has happened really. Like... there was that morning of tension, and by the end of the evening. Like no one wants to talk about it, and ignoring that there might be a problem? I'm not sure, it's kinda weird that everyone has let it go already. But good.

In other news, I'm kinda annoyed at Erin because she went on a cleaning spree, and that always bugs me because I come home to a pile of my crap at the top of the stairs... which seems a bit disrespectful? I dunno. And she was using a metal spoon on my pan with teflon coating. That grated me, and I asked her not to use metal utensils on it, and she said no. UMMMM that was annoying. THEN I asked if she had super glue at home, and she said yeah but it is THE FAM'S super glue, so I asked her to bring my mug that she broke home with her to fix it, and her reply was "umm, dude? seriously?" UMM, DUDE, YOU BROKE MY FUCKING MUG! grrrr, I just feel like I go out of my way to change my habits to make her feel better, and today I got no respect back. Just got beaten down.

WHY am I so bitter/anger/annoyed these days?! It's a bit concerning. I think I'm more stressed out than I think I am. Like, maybe the pan thing was really petty of me, but it is my pan, I'm letting her use it, the least she could do is respect my shit? Like I respect hers? Except yesterday when I tried changing her computer power settings, and her background magically disappeared and I couldn't get it back. That would have annoyed me too. I legit felt bad. At least I fucking apologized....


grumblegrumblegrumble.... these days I'm really happy that I live in the basement, because I get to hide away down here....

Current Mood: annoyed

Sometimes my life comes right out of a tv show. Honestly.

I've talked to both Steven and Alex. Steven turned right around saying that he didn't have much sympathy for what Erin and I were feeling which was NICE. Not. Alex on the other hand, said that they talked about starting a legit relationship, and decided against it. He said that there was a mutual attraction, but that he wasn't going to be in it for the long run, and that he didn't want to jeopardize the house. To which Erin and I are immensely thankful.

Does it end there? NOOOO

Steven accidentally texted Erin a message he wrote for Alex, that said something along the lines of "she said that she wouldn't mind as long as we made it official", which is true that I said that, far from true that I wouldn't mind, but suppressing what I'm actually feeling about the whole situation is my form of support at this moment in time. Am I taking it to far in thinking that Steven wants to be with Alex? Or is it just... oh hey, we're both gay, let's date (but actually just fuck). Both Erin and I agree that it would be easier to witness Steven's transition into homosexuality if it was with someone who was right for him, rather than someone out of convenience. Not that Alex is a bad guy, not at all, but they aren't exactly a good match.

At least, aside from steven getting mad at me this morning, we seem to be dealing with this rationally.

I'll continue these updates on the drama. A part of me laughs at it, and how ridiculous it all is.